Self-Growth....

Emotionally, I am going through a rough time right now. I'm feeling down, hopeless, disconnected, and uninspired in my life. These feelings were triggered back in April, when I wasn't accepted into the super competitive American Sign Language Interpreter Preparation Program at my college. It's the best interpreter preparation program (IPP) in Northern California, and it's one of the best in the entire country. I was put on the waiting list, but everyone who got accepted entered the program. I was encouraged to apply next year/April 2010, and I plan on doing so. In the meantime, I am having a difficult time getting in touch with the passion I had before I found out that I didn't get in. It was such a concrete part of my academic plan, something I was so sure about. I know things happen for a reason. I know that I was given this year to focus on myself, instead of jumping right into the hectic stress that is the IPP. After two years of being a full-time college student, I am now a part-time college student. I applied to the local Deaf school for the "student assistant" job, but that was two weeks ago, and I haven't heard back from them. I'm feeling apathetic and angry just thinking about it.
I've thought a lot about why I didn't get accepted into the IPP. The primary reason is social. I'm naturally introverted. I can be really bubbly and outgoing, and I've been developing this side of me for a good several years. The thing is, however friendly I am in hearing society, I'm much more introverted in the Deaf community because I feel intimidated by the ASL skills of those around me. Deaf culture is a collectivist culture, which means that the Deaf community tends to be self-involved and not especially friendly towards outsiders. There's a lot of politics around the whole issue.
Anyways, I feel like I need to push myself to be friendly and form connections to the Deaf community. But I'm also feeling fear of rejection and feelings of intimidation (despite the fact that my ASL skills are very good and fluent). The feelings of intimidation are really fears that everyone else will judge me. This is sort of ironic as I judge myself so much more than other people judge me. I have some very deep-rooted judgemental voices and thoughts. I am a perfectionist. I don't want to let this go, because I'm afraid that if I do, I won't be able to maintain my 3.8 gpa, earn respect from my instructors, etc. I realize that I'm getting to a point where this judgementalism and perfectionism is hurting me more than it is helping me. After I found out that I didn't accepted into the IPP, I told my ASL teachers, who sat down with me and gave me some words of advice. They were very supportive and they confirmed my faith in my ASL skills. The "issue" was that I came across as a know-it-all in my classes, always raising my hand and getting into debates (I get as competitive about debating as many people get about sports). And in the ASL lab (a room where Deaf and ASL students can chat and study together) I tend to just chat with the people I know and not really chat with the Deaf students, and I came across as aloof. Really, I had just been giving in to my natural introvertedness and again, I was intimidated by the Deaf students. When I found out how my behavior was coming across, I was mortified that I was seen as an aloof know-it-all bitch by the people I wanted to impress! I guess that was the problem. I wanted to impress them. I was so busy trying to prove myself that I didn't bother to actually engage in conversation with anyone new.

I know that I have a lot to work through. Specifically, my feelings of doubt and judgement. I believe that my introvertedness stems from a fear of other peoples' judgements about me, judgements that would lead to their rejection of me. Of course, these "judgements" are more in my head than anyone else's. I know that I'm not going to be friends with everyone I meet, but if I learn to adjust my judgemental part, then I'll naturally be able to take advantage of all social opportunities within, as well as outside of, the Deaf community, which is what I need to succeed as an interpreter. The question is: how? How do I change this voice of judgement which has been with me for practically all 20 years of my life?

Thank you so much for reading and commenting! <3
Eden