Scar Tissue

Lately I've been struggling...

I just moved back home after being away for 10 months in New Zealand. I didn't leave in a good state either - a conflict with a guy made me decide to leave, and feeling helpless in a country where I had a much smaller support system allowed me to come to the realization of just how much my family and friends mean to me. So I left...

But since being back I have been struggling to keep the diet I previously had and was working very well for me. With the constant supply of food that could be mine at any point - I have restrained and have remained 99% raw. I am proud of myself, but I am realizing just how much temptation there is out there, and the powerful effect food can have. Call it addiction, call it habit, call it whatever - we are in a fluctuating relationship with food.

I have been reading this book by Anthony Keidis called Scar Tissue and it deals with his lifelong drug addiction as well as the autobiography of his years in the Peppers. One line at the end stood out for me: "I might have some scar tissue, but that's allright, I'm still making progress." Lately I have been worrying about old worries that have always pre-occupied my brain. Part of me (ego, materialistic) wants to strive for some kind of ideal - the perfect self that I could be. In recovery, many people find it necessary to see some kind of spirituality in the proccess. Whether they turn to a God, charity, an organization of sorts, or whether they are determined to find spirituality whitin themselves; these are all beneficial to the addict. Also, reaching out to others and helping others in some way is part of the 12 step recovery process. But importantly, it also involves accepting where the "drugs" have brought you in your life and finding some kind of peace with them. For him, it was realizing that they make him stronger and they are what keep him helping others.

So it is with all my faults - scars, marks, flaws - that I must go forth and see myself as not just a body but as a spiritual entity with a purpose. I should always strive to do what is best for me and to keep growing, but realize that there is purpose to everything that has happened in my life, and there is still purpose until I am no longer needed on this lovely planet. And I shouldn't try to come up with ideas of the self I want to be, because there is a plan for me. Another line that inspired me was: "What's crucial is that you take care of yourself and in doing so become a program of attraction, rather than promotion."

This thought is helping me already :)