Quiet girl.... not so quiet.

Today I had the urge to visit a local raw restaurant that is a great place to visit if you are a novice to raw foods, and just learning the in's and out's of this lifestyle- i.e. not quite free of your cooked food addiction... but for a girl like myself, 3+ years into her journey and no longer in need of transitional foods, visiting this local raw food restaurant and eating their culinary cuisine, doesn't do wonders for my system. As always, I've managed to turn something good into a personal evil by abusing it.
Anyway, today I went, only because I talked myself into believing that I deserved a "treat." ( In reality I know that food like that only wreaks havock on my system... thus the addiction to it.)
Right now I am going through a phase of running from myself. This is all due to various fears of the future and of myself... which I am fully conscious of... (yet still pathetically, avoiding facing..)
I guess the problem lies in how to address this fear/ emotion/ guilt and truly, once and for all, ridding myself of it.

Almost a year ago now, I hit a plateau in my raw journey where I realized that I was fully free to manifest my potential. But when I got to that point, instead of feeling, freedom, and confidence, and contentment, I felt a deep feeling of undeservedness.... that despite all that I had worked for to get where I was, inside, I felt guilty.

So there I was, sitting in the cafe, alone, chowing down on a high fat, gourmet rawfood dish, that I knew would be followed by digestive upset, and emotional numbness.
As I sat there alone, I observed a couple sitting a few feet away. I watched as they chatted and giggled with each other about various raw subjects.
Normally I am very quiet in social situations... not as much a wallflower as I am a loner. I sit and observe others.... watching, listening, drinking in every detail... I've always been like this. As a child I would do it more with animals than people... though within the within the last few years it has become more a part of my character, to the point that within my "social circle" (otherwise known as the select few individuals I let vaguely come to know me) I've been dubbed the nick name "Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick."... not that I really have anything wise to say, I guess it just appears that way, because I am a person of so few words, which are carefully thought over before spoken.

An hour had passed before the couple had finished. But before they left, they decided to stop and ask me what I had ordered.... Soon a conversation sparked, and there we were another hour later all sitting there together, discussing the intimate details of our lives.

It is hard to believe, but this has happened to me before... multiple times actually. Each time the other person or people are more than twice my age. Strange as it is (at least for me) this has been happening more and more frequently within the last year, and every time the conversations these people strike up ultimately tends to be over some deep set emotional issues I have, with them always sending me away with a message of hope.

as silly as it sounds, it almost seems as if the universe is trying to tell me that it's time to change, by having me cross paths with these rare individuals that bare messages like - "You can do it. Don't be afraid. Forgive yourself. You can change, you can choose who you want to be." I am always given the same message each time I am visited by these guides.
Yes, I'd like to think of them as guides.... I mean what else can they be?
And every time this occures, the other person or persons is compelled to leave me with their email or phone number. They are offering me their support.

It's kind of crazy, but when I become aware of what is going on around me, it becomes surprisingly apparent that god or whatever wants me to get my life together, that the road set before me may not be an easy one, but it is deffinately clear, and that basically, I am the only one getting in my way.

I have not been on this site in a while.... pulling a dissappearing act is just what I do in times of stress... but I am getting the feeling that it is time for me to come out of my shell. That is why I am on this sight... to interact and share with others.
idk if anyone who I've chatted with will end up reading this, but if you do happen to stumble upon it, I'd just like you to know that I am sorry for not answering your posts.... I went back into hibernation, but rather than usually fading into the back ground, I've decided to return.
I guess what I am trying to say, is that this is all part of my transition, and that there may be many more days like this, but this will soon change, like many things in my life.... because I've decided to finally face myself.

So here's to my first blog ever ! [raises banana and stuffs into mouth Mowgli style.] :p