My 18-day Water Fasting Journey

My 18-day Water Fast

Trip Report

I’m going to attempt to write a report of my experiences over the past eighteen days. I’m not sure how long this report will be, as trying to summarize that length of time into a few paragraphs, or even a few pages, seems futile. So I will just keep it simple. Seems to work best that way!

I had aspirations of doing a longer water fast for months and months, ever since my 10-day water fast last year. That fast in particular was hard on me and I remember saying to my friend, just before I broke it: “I’m never doing this again.” After that fast, I became a 100% raw foodist, which is a whole different subject altogether and one I will touch upon briefly here and there. Throughout going raw, despite my words, I continued to fast, usually shorter fasts of 3-5 days. Being raw, it got easier and easier each time. But always in my mind there was the desire to do a longer fast, to see where my body could take me, to find out what could happen, the longer you go without food...

I researched for months, reading all types of fasting literature and finding inspiration in other fasters. I was especially interested in the spiritual and personal changes folks seemed to undergo, the longer they fasted. I wanted to experience that for myself. Time and time again I strove to fast for longer periods, but I was always working and water fast + work do not always mix well. I would always get to five days, and cave, especially in the summer when there were sooo many delicious fruits available. The warm season is too special and short in New England to go without sampling the bounty.

October of 08, I hit a physical, emotional and spiritual crises. Well, that’s a nice way of saying that I had a mental breakdown. My life got crazy. I was very confused. I quit my job and caved to stress, started eating foods that DO NOT digest well for me, like dehydrated raw foods and nuts, heavy gourmet raw stuff. I kept it raw, but my body was not happy and my mood plummeted even further. I wouldn’t be able to move out of bed usually because the physical pain of eating such heavy raw was so bad. All raw food is not created equal; it depends on your body, everyone is different and my body functions best on fresh fruits and greens only, with only a little avocado or young coconut meat here and there. It is in stressful times it is most important that we stick to what works for us, like clean diet and exercise. All this flew right out the window for me. I dropped like a stone. I was in rough shape. I was self-destructive to my body and became a risk to myself and knew I had to do something, or else I was not going to make it. I thought maybe going back to live with my parents was the answer, or medication.

I self-medicated. I was able to nullify myself somewhat with marijuana for awhile. It really helped me break out of my suicidal and self-destructive mindstate. It created some space between me and my emotions and gave me a breather from the psychotic aspect of my mind. However, I overused it, and that just got me caught in another cycle of consumption that felt unsatisfying. I started realizing that I was ‘stuffing’ my emotions away, that I was avoiding them, not only by using the dense food, but also by getting high 24/7. I felt so toxic and “used up” by this point. I was still eating gourmet raw, my health issues were getting worse, and ignoring them by staying high did not seem like the answer. I needed a major life adjustment. I am a firm believer in “you are what you eat,” and knew I had to press the reset button. I had to start over. I wanted to begin again.

I chose to fast because I was unemployed, a basket case, and had the time to rest. I decided that it was “now or never” when it came to a long fast. I desperately needed to cleanse myself, on all levels, and I needed to do it Now. So, with a bit of doubt, I embarked. I decided I would water fast as long as I could, 21 days or until my tongue started to clear and True Hunger returned. .

Within two hours of making this decision, I got incredibly ill. I’m not sure what happened, but I was shitting and puking for two days and my body was totally wiped of all the food that was still left in my stomach and intestines. It was a nice start to a long fast, as I didn’t desire food at all for the first four days. I laid in bed and moaned while the illness wrecked me and resolved that I would not eat for a very long time. Around the fourth day, when the illness left, I got incredibly ravenous and it took all my self-control to not go eat raw food. I kept telling myself that I would only eat what felt good, not the heavy stuff, but I knew it was just my mind trying to convince me to break the fast and I knew it hadn’t been long enough yet. I understood by this point that fasting is almost exclusively a MENTAL GAME, and I was ready to play. I told my mind to hush, and breathed. Body follows mind - I began to teach myself this. I started to meditate daily, just a few moments here and there, to help me stay focused on the fast.

I made mini-goals for myself. Day 5, and then day 7, and then day 10....for the first nine days or so, I was afraid to even speak of the fast to anyone, lest I break the spell and cause the fast to end. I kept it to myself for the most part, referred to it as a ‘baby fast’ to help myself nurture my way through every checkpoint. Around day 7, things were rough. I had to decide then that, “I want this,” and I chanted “I want this” everyday, multiple times a day, throughout most of my fast. I had to really really want to fast...I had to believe in myself with single-minded intensity. By this point (day 7/8) I was still quite physically active and went out to Christmas parties where there was lots of food and drink. I was not tempted, but I did feel a gnawing in my gut for apples and grapes and fantasized about eating them when off the fast. I started to feel very detached from social events. In this country we use eating as social entertainment and it was odd for awhile not being part of this. Even hanging out with my best friends became somewhat strange. I felt ‘there,’ but also ‘not there....’

As time went on, I got weaker and slept more. I slept a ton because that’s the place that felt the best. When I was awake, I was stricken with detox symptoms like a bad, dry taste in my mouth, headache, dizziness, nausea, weakness, random aches and pains. They were not nearly as bad at the early part of my fast as my other 10 day fast. By day ten of this one, I was probably sleeping 16+ hours a day, and watching a lot of movies while awake. Yet something was changing inside of me. I started to feel so detached from food that it made me ill to think of. Even the raw foods I love, like apples and bananas and oranges, made me ill at the thought. I realized that my body was in full cleansing mode and I accepted it as part of the process. I started meditating more frequently.

It was at this point I started having crazy food dreams, like for french fries and gross stuff like that. I believe I was detoxing residue in my cells from those items, since I lived on FF when I was a kid. Sometimes I ate the food in the dream and would freak out thinking I broke my fast, but when I woke up, I was still fasting, and it was all a dream. I was always so relieved when this occurred. By day 10 I was blindly determined. I didn’t want to break the fast for anything. I wanted to push on no matter what.

Day 13 I remember well, because it was like my fast shifted temporarily, and I got super-energized and hyper. I soared with creative energy and felt like I was on cloud nine. My thoughts were incredibly vivid and lucid. I could see everything with such clarity. It was at this time that I got *amazing* insight regarding my novel that I am writing. It was like everything was spelled out to me, I got crystal clear visions about what I needed to do, where the whole thing needed to go. Nothing but clarity and information. I still carry these intense visions with me and know I always will - I wrote them all down so I will not forget. I will use them as a guide in my writing. I also started getting stomped with emotional outpouring, when I started to get the visions. At this time, my tongue was almost clear and I wondered if my fast was almost over.

The next day after this, was a contrast. The emotional release button had been pressed and there was no going back. I was a WRECK. Sooo much stuff coming out, stuff that I hadn’t thought about in years, stuff that I stuffed deep down inside of me, that I’d been medicated for, that I’d avoided thinking about. It ALLL flooded to the surface of my awareness and kicked. My. Ass. My detox got severe, instigated by the emotional floods. Wow, if I ever doubted the mind/body connection, I don’t anymore. How you feel inside affects your body in the most potent way imaginable. I could hardly move. I was sooo sick. The nausea was insane. My senses were flaring up like crazy. I kept smelling scents that didn’t exist around me, like paint and cherry perfume. The taste in my mouth was HORRID. I would say that was one of the hardest parts of my fast, honestly...the taste was absolutely vomitus. I kept gagging everytime I would taste my tongue. And I would taste different things, so so strongly, like blood, and medicine, and cannabis, and cinnamon. It doesn’t sound so bad, but trust me...it was truly horrible for some reason. I had to brush my tongue every hour, sometimes more, with baking soda and water to keep from gagging.

Things didn’t really improve from there, days 15-17. I kept getting more emotional. More sick. I felt DEATHLY ILL. The chant of “I can do it” had grown faint in my head. All I wanted to do was sleep because I was so miserable. What’s worse is that I had started to feel completely cut off from other human beings. Truly, I felt alone. I felt like nobody could understand me, that nobody knew what I was going through. That I existed on another planet altogether. I wondered if I even existed at all. It was so rough. I felt so isolated. Day after day I’d watch the people around me, my dear friends, eat and enjoy their food. I started feeling upset about food, hating it, hating the necessity of it, started feeling tense and edgy around mealtimes. My sense of smell was hyper-sensitive, to the point where any strong smell could make me sick to my stomach or gag, and this included food smells. I used to love the smell of fresh cannabis, but I stopped enjoying it on my fast. It made me sick to smell. Made me feel like heaving. Just the mere thought of food, even fruit, going into my belly, would make me gag and feel like puking in response.

This continued for a few days. Frankly, I’m surprised I put up with it for so long, but I did, I was so determined to push on. I was due to start a new job pretty soon, and one of my friends recommended I break my fast, since I was obviously starting to suffer. I decided not to, that it wasn’t quite time yet. However, it was obvious I was getting very close....

Day 18 - I woke up at 2am with a voracious thirst. Throughout most of my fast, I just wasn’t thirsty and didn’t get more then 2 cups of water in me a day usually. But I guzzled the water the morning of the 18th day. I also awoke with a ravenous hunger...my mouth was twinging and my throat felt clenched and it was hard to swallow as I lay in bed, fantasizing endlessly about crisp, cool lettuce. I couldn’t stop thinking about lettuce, and I still can’t. I kept trying to redirect my thoughts and breathe them away, but there was no stopping it. I wanted food - fresh, delicious, raw food. Fresh fresh fresh, that’s what I wanted, like lettuce...so green and filled with moisture...I wanted sweet, pure moisture-rich food...I started to wonder if True Hunger had finally arrived. I wasn’t as sick and my tongue looked almost completely pink in the mirror.

I was due to start my new job that day, so I did, plotting to push on with my fast no matter what. However, within 15 minutes of arriving, I knew I would not be able to make it through the day. Maybe it was the new environment and nerves, but I could barely stand up. There was a coffee smell pervading the lobby and it was making me very very sick. Everything was. There is a tv in the lobby too (I don’t have a tv at home) and the news was on. I saw the stuff about Gaza and felt even sicker, deep sickness. Listening to my trainer talk to me was making me sick. I went and laid down in the hallway, hoping it would help, but it didn’t. I went to the bathroom and blacked out.

Luckily, my manager was cool, sent me home, gave me the next two days off to recover. He didn’t know I was fasting, just that I was in rough shape.

I got home feeling incredibly emotional. I knew what the right thing to do was: I needed to break my fast. It was time. My body was telling me it was no longer necessary to fast. Coming to this decision and accepting it was hard - breaking a fast is a very personal and emotional event. I didn’t except to feel so...scared...of breaking it. There was so much trepidation. I wasn’t worried about breaking it properly or the diet afterwards. It’s just...fasting had become my life for a few weeks. Letting it go is a big change. It’s like stepping off into the unknown.

I had pre-planned my fast breaking and it went wonderfully. I broke it late on the 18th day, on fresh strained and diluted OJ, in the company of friends.

*

Fast breaking:

This experience changed me. I know what I want/need out of food now. Fruits and shoots, baby...all the way. That is the best food for me. That's all I want. I will only give myself the best now. I deserve that. Not only with food, but with everything.

I broke it tonight, officially. I squeezed 2 Valencia oranges, strained, then diluted with water 50/50. I took a tiny sip and my mind was BLOWN. My taste buds sprang to life. Purest delight. I took another sip, and then put it down and waited a 1/2 hour to see what happened. I immediately felt the shift occur inside of me. There was a change in consciousness...hard to describe. There was a profound sense of relief and wellbeing. I got lightheaded and sleepy as my digestive system became awake. My bowels began to work again. 15 minutes after I took my tiny sips, my friends said I was "glowing." It was amazing how fast the nutrients in the juice, even diluted, worked upon me.

My tummy growled and wanted more and more, but I know better. I will handle refeeding very gently.

A bit later, I drank more sips. It tasted just as heavenly. Like a Popsicle I used to have as a child, only 100x better.

A bit later, I drank the rest of the juice mixture. I felt incredibly satiated and sleepy. My friends kept commenting on how I was glowing, and how big my grin was.

I'll spend the next few days on juices. I am feeling very content, loved and supported by the universe. I've been leaking tears of joy all night. I am so gracious.

*



So it's now the day after and I am weakened and sick STILL. I had a small glass of diluted OJ earlier and six hours later, threw it all up. I have moments of crazy laughing hyperactivity and then brutal sickness where I just have to lay down. The seriousness of what I have done to my body through fasting is beginning to truly dawn on me. Water fasting is NO JOKE. I tend to underestimate what I do to myself. I am so thankful for this experience, but refeeding properly is proving to be challenging. I have no desire to eat lots and lots of food; I have extreme hunger but no desire to stuff myself because everything still makes me nauseous still if I am not careful. I thought doing juices for a few days would be wise, but I am changing my opinion based on how I've been feeling. I feel sooo clean inside it's almost blinding. The juice feels abrasive to my system; huge energy spikes, and energy lows and then sickness. My body needs fiber to properly assimilate the sugars in the juices. I can feel it crying out for fiber. I can feel my bowels working, trying to move, but there is nothing material to move them with. (I haven't had a bowel movement since I began this journey)

Also it seems like the OJ is too acidic for me at this time. It's not assimilating well at all, even if diluted well. I need the fiber, that's all there is to it. I am going to try whole grapes. I have been craving grapes since the beginning. I might chew on a bit of lettuce as well. I really feel like my stomach needs something to grab onto, to get my bowels moving again. I know I have sooo much waste in there, toxins, waiting to be released and that I'll feel a lot better when it finally comes out. I will try a few grapes. Eating whole fruits is what nature intended and based on my recent experiences I can say that juicing has lost its appeal for me.

Update: Had a small bowel of grapes which I savored. I focused on chewing each bite to completion, making sure I did not swallow any whole pieces. I waited ½ hour and then ate two leaves of soft, watery, sweet and delicious lettuce! The lettuce was a HUGE HIT. Immediately after I finished the little meal, I felt a sleepiness take over me there was no way I could control. My head started drooping forwards and I went straight to bed. I slept like a dead person. I had the strangest experience when I awoke a few hours later. It can only be described as existing in a viscous, pudding-like 'between' between consciousness and unconsciousness. I was not in my body – I was a being of...being...so sticky...everything was so bright. There was no form. I could hear the air, it was crackling and moving all around my body. I saw particles of light shrouding me in a pool of bright goo and the air sounded SO LOUD. I couldn't feel my form. This scared me a little because I had never experienced anything like this before, except on a psychedelic drug. I moved and got out of bed and I floated. I did not notice the ground, there was nothing except that electric pudding-like super-charged air. I floated into the other room as a mass of this strange 'between' like material. I told Kevin what was going on and he massaged my feet to help bring me back down to Earth a little. Within 20 minutes, I restabilized, and felt super-charged with wellbeing, happy to be alive.

Update: Post-fast, day 3: This is not getting any easier. If anything, it's getting harder. I woke up this morning for work in high spirits, thinking I was feeling great. I ate a breakfast, a small bowel of grapes followed by some lettuce. I went off to work, feeling the food creep on, feeling my brain become saturated with a 'high', feeling myself drift away from myself. It wasn't unpleasant until I got to work. Within 30 minutes, I felt a WOOSH come over me, and my entire body grew extremely chilled...I was shivering in the warm lobby. The longer I stood up, the further down my stomach and my body seemed to move away from me, until I felt far far away and unable to focus on anything. I got incredibly dizzy the more I floated away, until the room was spinning. My chilled hands and feet started to tingle madly, and then the tingling expanded all over my body. My stomach, which was so so far far away and down below...started to come up....and I puked.

They sent me home. Told me to come back on Friday. I got to my car before I needed to sit down in the sleet and snow, moaning, feeling more grapes come up. I made it home, before I ran to the bathroom and puked more, all grapes and a very very disgusting lettuce taste. I am SO over lettuce right now. I don't know if I just ate the lettuce too soon after the grapes, or if I just ate too much lettuce altogether, too soon on the refeed, or what...

I am thusly having an emotional day, feeling like I have utterly destroyed myself. Everything has been wiped clean. My body has been decimated. My friend told me on the phone that fasting is like a near death experience and yep, I can vouch completely for this. I died during that experience, and not only in a spiritual way. My physical form has been forced to start completely from scratch. I feel annihilated. I feel helpless. I guess I thought that just eating would instantly make me feel better, but I think I underestimated the power of my fast. Fasting is no joke. Today I understand for the first time why people might want to be supervised during the fast, and especially after. This is just such an intense process, equally as intense as the fast itself. I can't stand up for 30 minutes without feeling nauseous and puking or passing out, and I've been trying to refeed for a few days. It really is like I am a baby again. I have to relearn how to do EVERYTHING.

I am at a loss when it comes to food. Honestly I feel a true desire to not eat, to go into another fast. I almost feel like I felt better when I was fasting, well, sometimes, anyway. At least my energy levels were consistent: low, lol. Now I'm on whole new ride and it's taking me for such a spin. Refeeding gives me so much additional energy, but I don't have any strength to use it. I really really want to fast again, but a friend told me I need to consume nutrients for a few weeks before I do another water fast. It really depends on who you ask. It's just so hard. I am having a rough time with refeeding and I didn't expect this. I feel like everything in my life is so futile right now. I feel a little...eh. You get the idea. I'm in a sensitive spot.

However, I will keep trying to refeed, at least for now. I will just have to treat myself like a baby. I will make my own “baby-food.” I am going to get a little mini food-processor so that I can make fruit mash. Fruit with fiber included, just mashed and mixed up a bit in the processor. I definitely don't want a smoothie. I don't want additional water added, or a lot of volume. I just want to have a small fruit mash, or a fruit soup, made from one type of fruit and eaten with a spoon. Today I am going to try it with strawberries. I am fantasizing about a strawberry fruit mash.

No bowel movements yet. Just lots of bowel rumblings.

Update: the pureed strawberries were a success, overall. Very easy on the stomach. Gave me a sleepy, sick and tired feeling at first, and then I would have sustained energy. No crazy spikes or lows, it all seemed natural. I fed on the strawberry soup about three times in a small bowel. I can tell I will just have to stick to blended fruit for the time being. I can feel my strength starting to return, but it's slow going. Even just typing this takes a lot out of me. I also gave myself a treat, a real taste of heaven: I drank a thai coconut water straight from the coconut today. It's crazy because it's the middle of winter in Boston and this thing was shipped from thousands of miles to me. But coconut water is so healing and it doesn't cause sugar spikes, so I indulged and really loved it. It tasted DIVINE. I have another one I might pop open and drink before the night is out.

Now that I found a way of refeeding that seems like it will work for me, I'm dealing with the psychological aspects of breaking the fast, still. All of a sudden, I'm eating regular “meals” again, and I find this scary for some reason. I want to fast again, already. I just do. I can't explain why. There is a feeling that you get when you water fast. It feels like you're on a grand adventure, like you're soldiering through something, like your climbing HIGH, and getting CLARITY. There are enormous benefits to it. I felt like I had more energy when I was on the fast – sometimes. I felt strong while fasting. I feel weak while eating.

I know this is a temporary experience...but I crave another fast. I know this is normal. I tend to want to do it a lot, when I do it....

I can't fast right now though due to my current job situation. Kinda stinks. Almost makes me want to find a new job, one where I can sit down, so that I can fast anytime I like. I'll keep looking around. I need to start yoga again or work out so that I have a reason to eat. There is no reason to eat if I am not expending energy. I will start fasting again, job or not, unless I start DOING SOMETHING physical with this energy. It's just what will happen, so now I get to choose. I can build my strength, but I am a little wary. Also I have to get my strength up by Friday so that I can make it through a shift at work, otherwise they will get rid of me. Yoga might help. Is the strength there? I suppose I will have to see for myself. Yoga will help.

No BM still. Damn. I feel like I'm sooo close to releasing what's in there....but when??! It's been such a long time.

Update: I slept like the dead after refeeding regular strawberry puree yesterday. I slept awesome. Deep deep. The type of sleep I haven't had since I began this journey. I woke up incredibly thirsty and promptly drank a liter of water. Before I knew it, I was running to the bathroom. BM!! I WILL NOT go into detail about what it looked like. But holy shit....for the love of GOD....ew....

I feel rather normal today. Sometimes I feel dizzy or out of breath, but my DRIVE is returning!! :-D I feel thrumming with energy and I feel like I might be able to use it. I feel stronger, more powerful. I will have to do something with this energy today. I intend on working out for the first time since I began my fast, and will continue this practice with diligence. I fully intend to begin doing daily yoga again, a committed practice to flow. I intend to puree fruit servings of one type of fruit per meal until future notice. When I am ready I intend to follow the 80/10/10 raw vegan diet to the letter. (read up on it if you're curious)

I intend to walk my talk in all corners of my life.

I feel like ending this fasting journal It's been a journey. If there are any other updates (like if I get sick at work again tomorrow) I'll be back. But I truly feel different inside today, from the center of my being, outwards. I anticipate such great things from this being. I can do it. I am ready for strength and power.

Will I do a longer fast like this again? Oh yes, definitely. There will always be chances to fast like this throughout my life. This journal is such a poor attempt to display what happened internally within me during this fasting practice. I am a changed person. I have been reborn, no doubt about it. I am healed, deeply, inside and out. I pressed the reset button. I have been shown the wisdom and glory of Nature, GOD, the Universe – Spirit – Prana – the Force – it has been revealed to me through the power of this fast. I have been instructed and the intelligence of the Void has been my teacher. I am a humbled soul, a willing student, and so so gracious for the opportunity to do this. I am so gracious for the intelligence of my own body, which I used as a guide throughout this process. I feel like I've been completely erased and now I get to pencil myself in again. I am reinventing myself, continuously; a creature of flow.

There is still trepidation about moving on from this experience, but I will gladly do so. I am excited about what will happen next. I had the experience and now it's time to use what I have learned in application of my own existence.

Just being...
much love to everyone who supported me on this amazing adventure.
Until next time...