Dealing with hateful/negative thoughts.

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Comment by Lee on November 8, 2009 at 2:38am

I think family dynamics are always interesting because in these roles, we feed off each other and its like we're all paying roles in a movie. Like dads are always asking their children when they're going to grow up and get a high paying job, mom always asking when they're going to have kids, brother always playing the jokerster, and someone always getting defensive and trying to validate their point.

Maybe in your situation, your husband trying to avoid the situation, father throwing people under the bus, mother using this as a situation to get upset and you getting defensive and steam coming out of your ears. All these roles are interdependent. If one person decides to stop playing the role that everyone expects that person to play, they can't go into their trained and rehearsed roles anymore, they'll have to make up a new one instead.

I think a good example is when a dog barks, the dog expects a person to run away with terror and then the dog chases the person. The dog has rehearsed this so many times and is waiting for it. What if the dog barks and the person doesn't get scared? What if they laugh it off. Isn't the opportunity to chase gone, maybe the dog will go do something else, like bury some bones instead? I've heard of this situation happening before, where a crazy dog was barking at a guy, and the guy's first reaction was to run towards the dog and try to take care of it. The two ran towards each other and then suddenly the dog stopped and laid down like it wanted to be petted or something. Isn't this something we could apply to our own human interactions?

Comment by YogaBrudder on November 7, 2009 at 3:40pm

When my mind (note I do not identify with it), or rather, when THE mind judges someone (like a "total stranger") walking down the street, I apologize to myself, or God, or whatever, it sets me straight right away.

Comment by foxy man on November 7, 2009 at 9:48am

smile, everytime she goes overboard. Do not respond, ignore just smile. I bet , if you try that sooner than later they will get bored with it and know that you are not hurt by their words, after all they are just words. Words don,t hurt unless you are just as weak as they are.

Comment by Makaranda...=) on November 7, 2009 at 8:56am

lol! The main thing is that uncontrolled outbursts on their part needs to stop for it to be a safe environment for a kid to grow up in. Based on what you are saying hygeine was the least of their worries. They may have been on their best behavior until now- and it just gets worse.You may have to communicate via correspondence to see if they can interact that way in a rational and coherent manner.

I hope the best for you. You may have to pull out whatever reserves of support you can find on this. It seems like your husband was bullied by these people his whole life and finally found some respect in you and a new religion that honored his spirit. You're dealing with a really old-school mentality there with his parents. The kind of thing where the son tells his dad sheepishly how things have changed, the dad doesn't say much, then he goes down to the Elks lodge or whereever he hangs out and tells those guys about it and they get him all riled up until he explodes. Getting along doesn't even enter that frame of consciousness.

You can appeal to them from some other aspect like- jokingly say- Hey aren't we all still family and then force them to give hugs..so they don't leave on a bad note or just throw in the towel and see if they come around on their own..

Until you know whether they genuinely want to get along though I would keep my distance but maybe send them cards so they know you still care.

Comment by Raw Mama Bear on November 7, 2009 at 8:29am

Ugh, I just have to say this. I reaaaaally mean he knew nothing. Sweet boy, but knew NOTHING. I would frequently say
"You know, it's rude to ask older women and people how old they are..."
"You know, you should take a shower and shave before meeting somebody important..."
"Eye contact is good when you meet people..."
"You can't wear clothes with holes in them to fancy occasions..."
"Wash your face/hair first."
"Being a smartass is not a great idea when meeting someone's grandparents..."

Just stuff like that! His parents didn't raise him any kind of way... I felt like saying hell yes I am 'the boss', somebody had to teach him something, it sure as hell wasn't going to be YOU, the PARENTS.

Comment by Raw Mama Bear on November 7, 2009 at 8:19am

Whoa, a lot of lengthy responses! I'll just tell you what happened.

When I met my husband, he didn't have any sort of religion. Oh, his parents say they're Christians and they honor Christ every day but I don't get that... and he couldn't tell me anything about Christianity. He spent a lot of time with me and my family and came to believe the way we do- Messianic Judaism. This whole thing started with our decision to not celebrate Christmas anymore as we believe it is purely pagan and blasphemous. A lot of people can't handle that, so we spoke privately with his father about it. We knew he wasn't pleased but thought he was dealing with it well. Last night, we were playing cards with his parents when his mom said, "Oh yeah, you said the other day you needed to talk to me about Christmas." My husband said not right now, not right now, and then his father blurted out, "Oh he hates Christmas now, thinks it's pagan, he's not doing it anymore." WHAT? I was shocked and hurt that he would do that. Needless to say, it was like throwing kerosene on a fire... his mother immediately got offensive and said "Fine! Happy Hannukah and shalom, do whatever 'the boss' says." I was angry, hurt, offended, you name it. I can't stand to have my religion disrespected like that, by someone who doesn't know anything about religion, and I can't help that when their son came to me, he didn't know jack!! Literally, he knew nothing about religion, common courtesy, diet, or freaking personal heigene. Anyway, the convo continued with the father-in-law throwing his son under the bus at every opportunity and the mother saying silly things like this was how we raised you. I didn't say a word. :(

Comment by Makaranda...=) on November 7, 2009 at 6:13am

Do you mean she should be allowed to hate someone because of their religion?

Comment by Vampirella on November 7, 2009 at 6:03am

You are disprespecting her by not letting er have her opinion. I have been told many things to my face I just lugh.

Comment by Makaranda...=) on November 7, 2009 at 5:13am

I would tell her that that kind of behavior is unacceptable. Also, when the minister said- If anyone disapproves of this marriage please speak now or forever hold your peace- she had her chance- so now she needs to hold her peace..you can kind of make a joke out of it but you need to establish boundaries as soon as possible with her. Obviously she hasn't dealt with "losing her son" as some women think of it. She has a choice now of accepting you or losing contact with her son and her grandchild. That is no way to speak to a pregnant person- particularily one pregnant with her "bloodline." Your husband should have a talk with her really but some guys have the women duke it out because they can't stand up up to their own mother. Some guys have a hard time separating from their mothers and this sounds like a process that still needs to take place.

There is a lot written about this and I wish I could explain it better but really you are incharge now and should take that role. You don't need that kind of stress and it's particularily not healthy around the baby. This is something that needs to get ironed out as soon as possible. Talk to your husband and see if he is willing to do something about it.

I don't think ignoring the problem will make it go away. I think she needs to be shown how damaging she is being. Obviously I don't have any tolerance for people who step over the bounds like she has. For things to "work" she is going to have to back off. Some of this is primal alpha dog behavior. Some people will wake up and figure out they need to get along and some won't but you have to be prepared to cut your ties with her. If she is unwilling to have a discussion about respect then just tell her that all commnication is over until she grows up. Sometimes you have to be tough with people like that. She'll either get it or she won't.

wow it sounds like you have some major things to deal with. but there is a transfer of power going on to a certain degree. you need to have a serious discussion and explain that she won't be allowed to see her grandchild if she can't control herself. If she can't agree to being civilized then you have your answer. Don't waste any more energy on the situation.

If it is really bad I would suggest a road trip to visit your family. You could try to resolve the issue by phone before you go back. You shouldn't be spending any significant time with someone who disrespects your religion. Do whatever you have to do because that doesn't sound like a healthy environment to bring a baby into. Something similar happened when my cousin married into a Catholic family. I couldn't believe how rude the inlaws were. But it shouldn't be you against the family- your husband should be taking an active part in protecting his new family and not accepting his mothers behavior. Sometimes people need to be reminded of this and asked to reaccess where their loyalties lie- with the new family or the old.

Comment by Lee on November 7, 2009 at 2:21am

I think one practice you can do which is very simple, is whenever she comes to mind or whenever you see her, train your mind to wish her happiness before thinking of anything else. Do this over and over again, and then after a while see if that transforms what happens after that?

I think if thats a little tough right now to do, start with easier things. Start trying out this practice with people you like, people you're neutral with, then move onto her. I think this a practice you might be able to involve with everyone you meet so its not just something for your mother in-law?

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