Battle Invisible Worms, Uncover the Lost Treasure of Self, and while you're at it, can you unblock the kitchen sink?

(Yeah, this is the third title to this blog. It may keep changing. I may be procrastinating a larger writing project ; ) )
...

I feel like somehow, I have been quietly and subtly deceiving myself about what's really going on with me. What will it really mean for me to commit to being IN MY BODY?

I have been developing a trusting relationship with a homeopathic doctor and she is supporting me through a parasite/vaccination detox. I find it super challenging to stay "on track"... for example, yesterday I became overexcited before eating lunch... meaning, my mind was having flurries of thoughts, avalanches of thoughts, ceaseless anxiety. Then I ate... beginning with the leftover quinoa and sweet potato dish from the night before, then an avocado salad with sauerkraut, then... I found my way to the danger zone: the SAD cupboard drawer. And ate a whole bunch of cardboardy tasting salty corn chips. I knew that was a bad idea because later on, last night I had a crying fit (I actually sound like a toddler screeching... my body feels internally poisoned and it may be that the emotions are a way to get things moving?) and didn't sleep much. That screeching crying happens only when I eat processed foods or WAY too much fruit.

So I will get back to being cautious around sugar and starches, knowing how much one processed food can flip my mind. But knowing also how much the desire to eat them at times is so IN my body, programmed into my behavioral patterns in my energy field... is giving me the push to get out of THIS energy field asap. The thought forms here can be such downers. I don't feel like I'll be strong enough to heal my gut and find clarity here. Luckily, my parents are helping me to the best of their abilities, and I may be starting a Wilderness therapy program very soon. Its not my #1 choice, but if I can heal my gut and begin eating peacefully and intuitively again, and heal my MIND, and spend time in a natural area with little electromagnetic interference, then I'll take it. I wish I was more at peace with that though. There is somewhere else I Really want to go. Perhaps it is in the planets for me... perhaps not. I'll call the Wilderness place today and see how they accommodate a largely raw/vegan diet.

I will heal... and be grateful for this madness one day soon. I want to be able to read books again, and have clear boundaries. I miss having real conversations with people. A part of me goes, 'when did I ever?'. Its weird, I know I did, but can't bring that energy into my body right now. I can't remember feeling fine. My answers to the casual que, 'how are you?' always feel like little lies.
I want to be able to run outside in the rainstorms in as little clothing as possible and thoroughly enjoy it. I want to get so excited about things like awful language translations on the back of my Italian olive oil that I can create a whole media segment on it. I want to laugh at my worries about 'what I need to do'. I want to feel whole from witnessing the clouds drift through colorful skies. I want to watch water ripples in a river for 3 hours and be entertained. I want to notice a leaf I have never noticed before and learn I can eat it! I want to meet soul mates in the metro station or better yet out in nature, and forget to introduce myself because we are already so clearly connected. I want to feel beautiful and wear mis-matching clothes with jewelry I made myself and know how awesome I look because I that's how I feel inside. I want to leave secret love letters to strangers in unsuspecting places. I want to dance, dance, dance... until I fly. Until then, I need to be strong, and courageous, and love myself; love the little child in me with all my heart. I am her father. I am her mother. I am her.

And I just got deja vu.