Why suddenly my love's not good? Help urgently needed!
I'm a confused, lonely, disappointed beginner at polyamory in need of some opinions and wisdom.
I've been curious about this lifestyle for quite a while now, and I agree with its philosophy wholeheartedly. I admit openly that polyamory seems my kind of a way to live.
About a year ago I was lucky enough to meet two lovely men around the same time. At that time I wasn't looking for any sort of a relationship - monogamous or polyamoristic - and left my poly views unmentioned. I enjoyed dating both at irregular intervals, and life seemed good - until I entered a phase of intense self-exploration during which I felt insecurity to such a degree I decided to start a relationship with one of the men instead of facing any potential hurts caused by the other man, who still enjoyed his freedom.
Me and my boyfriend have a great conversational connection, and he knows about my poly tendency. However he's made it clear he won't take part in my poly experiments, at least unless I clearly tell him if I decide to engage in some (and this is something we haven't discussed any further yet, so I don't know whether he would accept another lover or not).
These two men have met, and there's a clear tension between them, it's a situation of competition over the monopoly to my love. These two are obviously not up to a poly arrangement - my boyfriend's self esteem isn't strong enough for any competition, and the other guy is just too conventional.
Now I've had to admit to myself that I am in love with both of these men, and the situation is not likely to change easily. I previously hoped I could date one and be at peace with the knowledge of loving others, but now I realise restricting myself from acting this love out to these others is impossible.
I have decided to talk with my partner and see how he feels. Gosh am I nervous, upset and disappointed. Not only do I already know his already poor self image will somewhat shatter by this, but I am afraid of getting hurt myself, too. I understand should he not want to date me any more, but it's so terribly hard to understand how I can get over a possible sudden loss of our mutual love!
How can my love instantly change from good to bad when all I do is state that my love is unchanged in quality and quantity but I also happen to possess more love, and need to direct it at someone else?
I am terrified of abandonment but can no longer pretend to enjoy a monogamous relationship while I continuously long for another lover. These two men complement each other perfectly - never before have I met one as compatible mentally, and another physically. I feel complete now, but the odds are I will lose them both just by being honest.
How will I survive whatever may lay ahead? I feel crushed by living in a society where it's semi-accepted to be in a relationship, secretly have an affair, and not only lie to your partners but lie to yourself too! And when you want to love to your full capasity regardless of any old-fashioned family settings it just won't do!
Is there anything I can do or say to my partner to help him understand and feel better? I want to consider his point of view and be of good support. What's there in my power to do?
Apologies about this messy post, I haven't slept well because of this issue, and haven't had time to think this through too well. I don't have anybody "in real life" to talk to about this, none of my friends or relatives understand a poly lifestyle. I hope you guys are willing to share a bit of your experience.
Joanna
I've been curious about this lifestyle for quite a while now, and I agree with its philosophy wholeheartedly. I admit openly that polyamory seems my kind of a way to live.
About a year ago I was lucky enough to meet two lovely men around the same time. At that time I wasn't looking for any sort of a relationship - monogamous or polyamoristic - and left my poly views unmentioned. I enjoyed dating both at irregular intervals, and life seemed good - until I entered a phase of intense self-exploration during which I felt insecurity to such a degree I decided to start a relationship with one of the men instead of facing any potential hurts caused by the other man, who still enjoyed his freedom.
Me and my boyfriend have a great conversational connection, and he knows about my poly tendency. However he's made it clear he won't take part in my poly experiments, at least unless I clearly tell him if I decide to engage in some (and this is something we haven't discussed any further yet, so I don't know whether he would accept another lover or not).
These two men have met, and there's a clear tension between them, it's a situation of competition over the monopoly to my love. These two are obviously not up to a poly arrangement - my boyfriend's self esteem isn't strong enough for any competition, and the other guy is just too conventional.
Now I've had to admit to myself that I am in love with both of these men, and the situation is not likely to change easily. I previously hoped I could date one and be at peace with the knowledge of loving others, but now I realise restricting myself from acting this love out to these others is impossible.
I have decided to talk with my partner and see how he feels. Gosh am I nervous, upset and disappointed. Not only do I already know his already poor self image will somewhat shatter by this, but I am afraid of getting hurt myself, too. I understand should he not want to date me any more, but it's so terribly hard to understand how I can get over a possible sudden loss of our mutual love!
How can my love instantly change from good to bad when all I do is state that my love is unchanged in quality and quantity but I also happen to possess more love, and need to direct it at someone else?
I am terrified of abandonment but can no longer pretend to enjoy a monogamous relationship while I continuously long for another lover. These two men complement each other perfectly - never before have I met one as compatible mentally, and another physically. I feel complete now, but the odds are I will lose them both just by being honest.
How will I survive whatever may lay ahead? I feel crushed by living in a society where it's semi-accepted to be in a relationship, secretly have an affair, and not only lie to your partners but lie to yourself too! And when you want to love to your full capasity regardless of any old-fashioned family settings it just won't do!
Is there anything I can do or say to my partner to help him understand and feel better? I want to consider his point of view and be of good support. What's there in my power to do?
Apologies about this messy post, I haven't slept well because of this issue, and haven't had time to think this through too well. I don't have anybody "in real life" to talk to about this, none of my friends or relatives understand a poly lifestyle. I hope you guys are willing to share a bit of your experience.
Joanna
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Joanna on -
I must be on the right track (although it still might not lead to poly), since a few years ago I realised I have a problem with codependency, love addiction is was called then. It seems like my mind draws me toward poly, and my heart hangs on to anything it can get.
This is getting very interesting and serious also, more and more loose ends are coming together in surprising ways, just when I thought I've contemplated way too many individual subjects recently.
This is very comforting.
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Permalink Reply by Abhi - ThisVeryMoment on -
"Love Addiction" As you point out. The reason for which this girl destroyed her life and mine. Complete lack of self-awareness. Driven by "transient feelings".
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Permalink Reply by Joanna on
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Really good points there, thank you!
It's such a complex question, 'do you truly love yourself'... And so very to the point.
I do believe I truly love myself, but I also believe I could love myself more.
Since childhood I've had this delighting feeling of enormous self-love, but these days it's more and more elusive and twisted in various ways. I wish I could retain that true joy of a self... but in this world it seems forbidden to say I love myself, I am selfish, that I am the most important person in my life. I have a major issue with putting others in front of myself, I can't quite agree with that.
I would only love to see my former boyfriend in one or more relationships that would together form a satisfying combination of close individuals, each with a different forte. But he does not see such a setting as pleasing to him. And I respect that.
The other love interest surely seems to play the field, and I can't say that I don't feel slightly irritated by that. But should we be able to be honest with each other and arrange a poly deal I'd be only glad to make friends with any other girlfriends, knowing that they also appreciate the beauty of this male, and compensate for anything he might not find in me. Actually I already have a tendency to make friends with my boyfriends' ex-girlfriends as well as e the new lovers of my former boyfriends. I see no competition in there.
I reckon I'd have been into poly without these two, anyway. I've had that tendency of not wanting and needing to commit for quite a few years, and seriously falling in love with two men at the same time was only a matter of time. Still I can't say I don't indulge in double attention and "validation", surely it strokes my ego and relatively low self-esteem.
I know the feeling you share with your personal experience... These days, however, I think I've lost a lot of any jealous tendency. Not only am I still willing to share myself, I'm now also more than happy to share my loved ones, as long as there's an arrangement in place.
Then again, maybe I should work more on needing no arrangement at all?
Gosh am I happy share with all you lovely people. It seems there are many of us around the same point of a breakthrough, and if feels great to know that not everyone is a master at life and love but on the road to learning more.
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Permalink Reply by Abhi - ThisVeryMoment on
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But should we be able to be honest with each other and arrange a poly deal I'd be only glad to make friends with any other girlfriends, knowing that they also appreciate the beauty of this male, and compensate for anything he might not find in me.
// Arrange a deal - Transactional Expectation - If anytime the deal is less favorable... ?? Thats not love
// Again - Can he not just LOVE a person for what they are.. Not because they cant find something within you.. You feel that he does so because something is missing in you..?
Self Love? Self Worth?
You might be projecting the same insecurity and transferring those feelings into the other guy who does not want to share.
I am not saying I am perfect. Just beginning to understand how to breakdown this space.
True self love, lets you be alone and as happy as you are / would be with another person.
Actually I already have a tendency to make friends with my boyfriends' ex-girlfriends as well as e the new lovers of my former boyfriends. I see no competition in there.
Make friends to prevent any future hostility or have future opportunities? Could be that or maybe not. Do you go out of your way to keep in touch with your Ex-s lives?
PS: You are reminding me of somene.. lol.
Ponder over it. Not with your logical brain.. But with your Big Mind. Quieten the small mind with meditation :D
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Permalink Reply by Joanna on
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Excellent notes again, Abhi.
"Arrange a deal"... my bad. I didn't mean it as transactional. My mindset wasn't quite right when I wrote that.
I do wish that any man I love is also capable of loving others regardless of what I am or am not. Again my bad.
If I project insecurity, how could this be seen? How can I not do it?
With that "tendency to make friends" I meant a natural interest towards this new person, because along with being interested in the same man we usually find other things in common. Some of these girls I can genuinely call friends without any hidden intention to eliminate any future hostility. But I totally see your point, and the potential threat in willingly engaging in such activity.
I'm in terms with all of my exes - we aren't in contact very often, and luckyly I've never felt an urge to overly keep in touch with them, I've been able to get over any break-up maturely enough.
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Funnily enough this week I've just come to a big realization about myself, I could say I've 'found myself again' in some manner. It's been a long process of learning how to be honest with myself again, and going through these possible poly traits have definitely had a positive emphasis on this new spin on events.
Unfortunately I'm not quite as in terms with that 'me' I re-discovered thus making me (probably wisely enough) reluctant to connect with any potential romantic partners in the near future. It's a whole lot to think about right now, so I appreciate your future comments on the matter so that these feelings can be dealt with also.
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Permalink Reply by moonlight on -
This has been very enlighting conversation, thanks Joanna for stating it.
Joanna:Unfortunately I'm not quite as in terms with that 'me' I re-discovered thus making me (probably wisely enough) reluctant to connect with any potential romantic partners in the near future. It's a whole lot to think about right now
I think you should then listen to yourself and take your time to get comfortable with new things you discover. No harm in taking a little break from romance :)
I'm quite new to polyamory, but I've found that open and honest communication is a key to 'success', atleast when starting polyamory yourself or if you find new partners that arent experienced in polyrelationships. Talk alot, about jealosy, about other partners, etc. otherwise things might start circeling in your head and building up inside. Open communication is a good way to work on jealosy, your fears and so on.
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