Why suddenly my love's not good? Help urgently needed!
I'm a confused, lonely, disappointed beginner at polyamory in need of some opinions and wisdom.
I've been curious about this lifestyle for quite a while now, and I agree with its philosophy wholeheartedly. I admit openly that polyamory seems my kind of a way to live.
About a year ago I was lucky enough to meet two lovely men around the same time. At that time I wasn't looking for any sort of a relationship - monogamous or polyamoristic - and left my poly views unmentioned. I enjoyed dating both at irregular intervals, and life seemed good - until I entered a phase of intense self-exploration during which I felt insecurity to such a degree I decided to start a relationship with one of the men instead of facing any potential hurts caused by the other man, who still enjoyed his freedom.
Me and my boyfriend have a great conversational connection, and he knows about my poly tendency. However he's made it clear he won't take part in my poly experiments, at least unless I clearly tell him if I decide to engage in some (and this is something we haven't discussed any further yet, so I don't know whether he would accept another lover or not).
These two men have met, and there's a clear tension between them, it's a situation of competition over the monopoly to my love. These two are obviously not up to a poly arrangement - my boyfriend's self esteem isn't strong enough for any competition, and the other guy is just too conventional.
Now I've had to admit to myself that I am in love with both of these men, and the situation is not likely to change easily. I previously hoped I could date one and be at peace with the knowledge of loving others, but now I realise restricting myself from acting this love out to these others is impossible.
I have decided to talk with my partner and see how he feels. Gosh am I nervous, upset and disappointed. Not only do I already know his already poor self image will somewhat shatter by this, but I am afraid of getting hurt myself, too. I understand should he not want to date me any more, but it's so terribly hard to understand how I can get over a possible sudden loss of our mutual love!
How can my love instantly change from good to bad when all I do is state that my love is unchanged in quality and quantity but I also happen to possess more love, and need to direct it at someone else?
I am terrified of abandonment but can no longer pretend to enjoy a monogamous relationship while I continuously long for another lover. These two men complement each other perfectly - never before have I met one as compatible mentally, and another physically. I feel complete now, but the odds are I will lose them both just by being honest.
How will I survive whatever may lay ahead? I feel crushed by living in a society where it's semi-accepted to be in a relationship, secretly have an affair, and not only lie to your partners but lie to yourself too! And when you want to love to your full capasity regardless of any old-fashioned family settings it just won't do!
Is there anything I can do or say to my partner to help him understand and feel better? I want to consider his point of view and be of good support. What's there in my power to do?
Apologies about this messy post, I haven't slept well because of this issue, and haven't had time to think this through too well. I don't have anybody "in real life" to talk to about this, none of my friends or relatives understand a poly lifestyle. I hope you guys are willing to share a bit of your experience.
Joanna
I've been curious about this lifestyle for quite a while now, and I agree with its philosophy wholeheartedly. I admit openly that polyamory seems my kind of a way to live.
About a year ago I was lucky enough to meet two lovely men around the same time. At that time I wasn't looking for any sort of a relationship - monogamous or polyamoristic - and left my poly views unmentioned. I enjoyed dating both at irregular intervals, and life seemed good - until I entered a phase of intense self-exploration during which I felt insecurity to such a degree I decided to start a relationship with one of the men instead of facing any potential hurts caused by the other man, who still enjoyed his freedom.
Me and my boyfriend have a great conversational connection, and he knows about my poly tendency. However he's made it clear he won't take part in my poly experiments, at least unless I clearly tell him if I decide to engage in some (and this is something we haven't discussed any further yet, so I don't know whether he would accept another lover or not).
These two men have met, and there's a clear tension between them, it's a situation of competition over the monopoly to my love. These two are obviously not up to a poly arrangement - my boyfriend's self esteem isn't strong enough for any competition, and the other guy is just too conventional.
Now I've had to admit to myself that I am in love with both of these men, and the situation is not likely to change easily. I previously hoped I could date one and be at peace with the knowledge of loving others, but now I realise restricting myself from acting this love out to these others is impossible.
I have decided to talk with my partner and see how he feels. Gosh am I nervous, upset and disappointed. Not only do I already know his already poor self image will somewhat shatter by this, but I am afraid of getting hurt myself, too. I understand should he not want to date me any more, but it's so terribly hard to understand how I can get over a possible sudden loss of our mutual love!
How can my love instantly change from good to bad when all I do is state that my love is unchanged in quality and quantity but I also happen to possess more love, and need to direct it at someone else?
I am terrified of abandonment but can no longer pretend to enjoy a monogamous relationship while I continuously long for another lover. These two men complement each other perfectly - never before have I met one as compatible mentally, and another physically. I feel complete now, but the odds are I will lose them both just by being honest.
How will I survive whatever may lay ahead? I feel crushed by living in a society where it's semi-accepted to be in a relationship, secretly have an affair, and not only lie to your partners but lie to yourself too! And when you want to love to your full capasity regardless of any old-fashioned family settings it just won't do!
Is there anything I can do or say to my partner to help him understand and feel better? I want to consider his point of view and be of good support. What's there in my power to do?
Apologies about this messy post, I haven't slept well because of this issue, and haven't had time to think this through too well. I don't have anybody "in real life" to talk to about this, none of my friends or relatives understand a poly lifestyle. I hope you guys are willing to share a bit of your experience.
Joanna
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Scott on -
Hi Joanna,
Thank you for sharing your situation with us!
A few things come to my mind:
1) Poly relationships seem to be successful when all parties involved consistently ask themselves, "How can I give more?" The moment someone starts to come from an ego-driven place, versus a heart-centered place, and asks "How can I get more?" things start to fall apart. In your situation, this may be a challenge because the men that you are in relationship with may not understand this perspective and the relationships were not created in a context of poly.
2) Matters of the heart can not be understood by the mind. Trying to intellectualize how someone is feeling and to then shape responses to their feelings will always backfire.
3) Attachment to outcomes -- the heart is not capable of being attached to conditions or outcomes. It only knows how to love unconditionally. When we start attaching to how things look or should be, we are loving with our minds, not our hearts.
OK, I think you see where I am going. Poly is a very different way of loving than what most of us were taught by our parents and society as a whole. It is different in that the mind can not be involved at all, it must come from the heart. This is what makes it so magical, so loving, and boundless. I will never forget the first time I saw what my partner looked like through his lover's eyes.. my heart exploded and expanded in ways I never thought were possible!
Anyway, in the realm of advice... I would suggest that you take some time to yourself to get centered and firmly grounded again. You will be no use to anyone if you are spinning out of control! Then, from a heart space, listen to the needs of your partners and express your needs. Do your best to not judge, do your best to not be attached to the outcomes. If you find that your needs are so different, your gift to them would be loving them enough to celebrate who and what they are, as they are, and then choose to move forward in life in ways that continue to celebrate them. That might mean engaging in poly relationship, it might mean becoming their best friends and never seeing them naked again, it could also mean never talking to them again. Who knows how it could play out and I hope you can find a sense of excitement and passion in that untold future.
I would also recommend taking some time to pull back and look at the bigger picture and celebrate and have gratitude for the experiences you have had to date. How great it is that you have been fortunate enough to have the love of both of these men! Doing this authentically can help to bring you into your heart again.
I wish you the best in all of this and I know it can be painful. Trust in the process and know that we are never given more than we can handle!
-Scott
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Permalink Reply by Joanna on -
How wonderful you took the time to reply!
Here's a few responses I came up in a hurry:
1) Indeed my motives in a relationship are selfish. Sure, I love to be of support for growth for the other, I love to feel significant, and in that it's easy to engage in activities that give to my loved one. But if I'm not in such a place and state in my life where I could or wanted to make others' happiness a priority, does this mean poly is probably not the right thing for me? That there's something else than a poly tendency going on when I claim to love more that one at a time? Does this make me a morally questionable lover altogether, in need of even more-self exploration? Should I rid myself of the feeling of being able to be completed by other people, concentrating more on how I can be complete all on my own? How could this be done?
2) How then can I understand? I admit having problems understanding others, even reading their faces. So far I've greatly preferred intellectualizing my own emotions since without proper thinking and rational backing-up also poly would seem like the "easy escape" to me (ie. running from monotomy, avoiding true intimacy, trying to "have it all" when I've pictured poly more like growing to understand how little anyone can actually be owned while still being able to share a lot)!
3) That sounds about right. But does this also mean I need to dismiss any sneaking suspicion of potential hurt and unsuccessful bonding?
The relationship's over now, and I agree it's for the best to be alone rather than hurting anyone. However I don't feel much celebratory, only self-pity for still not having found secure surroundings and instead finding myself alone again. I feel abandoned again, although coming to think of it, if by anyone, I'd been abandoned by myself despite of me having just done what I think was right!
I'm increasingly afraid of intimacy, but this is not why I've been interested in poly in the first place - when I make the effort to open up then it's truly personal and honest, as much as I am with myself.
I'm finding it hard to remember these romantic experiences with gratitude since their love was most likely just as selfishly bound as my own, and so far I've silently understood (or assumed?) that in a relationship nothing can ever truly be expected or demanded of others since their actions and thoughts are totally random, they might change their point of view at any given moment, as might I - this leading to the conclusion that only personal views, experiences, opinions and maybe even delusions can be derived from a relationship, everything one claims to receive from others is only a personal view filtered through their personal situation and attitude.
Am I totally lost here? It's a difficult place in my life, and I'm sure it shows there's a whole lot of unprocessed thoughts going through my mind constantly!
Thanks for your very supportive and long reply, Scott. I feel much better for having received a response to my cry of despair.
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Permalink Reply by Scott on
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HI Joanna,
I hoped some others would had jumped in here too as I can't say that I am a poly expert by any means! My life partner and I have been together for over 7 years now and during that time there have been about 5 or 6 other intimate relationships extending from us. Anyway...
One of my favorite teachings on loneliness comes from Osho: "Loneliness is when you are lonely, when you are thinking of the other, missing the other, it is a negative state. Aloneness is the presence of oneself, it is very positive, you can fill the universe with your presence and there is no need for anybody."
In my opinion, if you are not able to sit in Aloneness, then you are not ready for relationships with others. Any attempt at creating a relationship from a place of loneliness ends up creating a codependent cycle based on fear and egoic play, rather than love. Poly relationships magnify this reflection!
Tuning into your words I am feeling as if you are on the verge of a heart-opening breakthrough, and this is why your experience is intense and confusing. Again, the heart can not be understood by the mind and the challenge is for us to place the mind aside to let the heart energy flow.
So perhaps some heart centered exercises might be fun for you to play with. Sit in meditation and tap on the center of your chest and try to hold your awareness there. Listen to some heart chakra meditation sounds. Make a gratitude list every night before bed -- at least 10 things you are grateful for, more if you can handle it. Go to a public place (shopping plaza) and ask people to help you with your homework assignment -- invite them to share with you what gets their heart going, ask them how they satisfy their heart every day, be it hobby, job, play, etc.
-Scott
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Permalink Reply by Joanna on
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Such wise words, and great advice. Thanks again Scott, I'll keep that in mind. I'm glad to have encountered such an observative mind, I also feel that I'm on the brink of a breakthrough.
All ideas on how to pull myself through this and find a calm spot where I can find some answers are greatly appreciated...
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Permalink Reply by Abhi - ThisVeryMoment on -
I agree with Scott. Osho rocks.. :) Osho calls marriage and mono-relations immoral. But people dont truely understand what he is trying to say... :D.
Polyamory conflicts with 'common' societal belief system & programming. Hence the drama.
The first love is Self-Love. Do you truly love yourself? It is said if you are not happy being by yourself, you can never be happy with anyone or anything you get.
One question to ask yourself. What if the situation was reversed. You were dating only one guy and he was dating or in love with 3 women. Would you be seriously okay?
One thing - Do not do anything that will create drama for yourself and / or others. Be open, clear and upfront about your intentions... (of poly amory if thats what you want) and dont lead people on.
Would you have been into Polyamory if you had not met 2 guys or if one guy was shared between 2 women?
Is this really LOVE of both the guys or is it just "love of the attention" and "validation" showered upon you?
I say & ask this because I've seen (in varying capacities) who wanted their cake and eat it too. They wouldnt want their guy (or me) to give any attention another woman (couldnt stand it) forget sharing the man, At the same time they would "justify" to themselves and spent time with several guys. Kinda self- contradictory isn't it. The funky thing is they are not able to be true to themselves or the people they are with - Part self esteem issues, part lack of self consciousness / awareness and part societal programming of monogamy and categorization / labeling of slutty behavior.
I find myself at a threshold of trying to figure this out.
Love is not holding, Love is setting free.. Setting yourself free, setting them free.
The version of love we hear & see is about possessing.
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Permalink Reply by aishwarya on -
i really love this group and the clarified discussions it presents. thanks to all.
yes am trying to understand myself the fine line with mono and freedom, equal sharing as opposed to self esteem issues which try to justify the converse. possessing always relates to self esteem issues, very sick dependancy. when two people are very clear in communication and their core understanding this doesnt come to be an issue ever.
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Permalink Reply by Abhi - ThisVeryMoment on
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Whats funny now that I think about..
A couple that swings or has polyamory probably gets closer and trusts each other more since there is no need to lie or cheat or break someones trust.
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Permalink Reply by Scott on
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Yes, this is so true. I could never have imagined the depth of the experience of intimacy I have had with my poly relationships.. heart blowing!
To take it a step further, the reality of 'trust' comes to the surface and you see how empty and meaningless it always has been -- there is no such thing as 'trust', it is just a mechanism for the ego to maintain control, control which it never had in the first place.
Abhi, thanks for jumping in on this conversation. I was feeling kinda isolated in my views and I never have claimed to be a poly expert! Poly is something that is very unique to the individuals involved.
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Permalink Reply by Joanna on
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Indeed it also appears to me that so many issues are related to self-esteem and the lack of it. At times when I feel at my strongest I still have to face the weaknesses of others, and at those points it's a little difficult to keep believing that when I finally find balance with my own confidence I'll also find another person who has done so...
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Permalink Reply by Abhi - ThisVeryMoment on
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The Master said this wonderful thing.
When you see a beautiful boy or girl you have an instant feeling. Later your intention may vary, but you appreciate the beauty. But, then later you want to possess that beauty. TO HAVE. Not to LOVE only.
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Permalink Reply by Joanna on
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That is so true. I think I'm just at that crossroads of potentially making the error of wanting to possess.
How oh how can I rid my mind of such a dead end?
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