My past is messing around with me

Hello all! I really hope my post won't upset any of you (I'm going to go into the dirtiest detail here..). I'm trying to find some support for my raw journey which has turned out to be more challenging than I had ever thought to be.

So, I've had some big mental issues with my body and mind for as long as I can remember. And yes, this includes eating disorders. Started off "orthorexia", moved onto anorexia and from there on a steep downhill road to bulimia. I am ashamed of it all, for abusing my body for so long. My battle with bulimia isn't quite over yet either, but I hope I'm starting to get to the root of it all with the help from my theraphist and some self studying.

My problem conserning raw foods and my past history with eating disorders is quite complex but I'll try to explain myself as well as I can.
When I recovered from anorexia (or snapped out of it as I like to think about it nowadays) I really went the worst possible road. I got really scared about my parents threats to put me into a hospital that I wanted to gain weight fast. Basically I figured that I should just eat chocolate and junk for as long as I got to my healthy weight zone. I had issues of bingeing during my anorexic period but more likely because of starvation. After my "bulking up" period I realized that I was gotten very deeply into the sad place of eating out of boredom, my feelings or just for the fun of stuffing myself. Needless to say I packed on pounds really fast - most of my weight gain was naturally fat.
My parents and doctor were satisfied with my quick results when obviously I was not. My mind had no time to catch up with my sudden transformation, and I became very depressed and even suicidal. It's so sad how for my entire life my value as a person in my eyes has been determined by my appearance. In my world it really makes me somehow a better person to be slim. This is very controversial to my beliefs about other people - I value so much more personality over looks when it comes to others. I really think that everyone else is a beautiful person regardeless of their size or body shape.. this just doesn't apply to me.
But I won't start to analyze this in any more detail. The point is that now that I'm transitioning more to raw, I find myself struck with this completely insane idea that I might gain weight!! After all these years that's the thing that gets me very deeply troubled.

Although I've tried to take a more healthier approach to eating raw I still count calories. I try to fool myself by saying that it's just to make sure I'm getting the right amounts of everything..
But really it isn't. When I still ate a very unhealthy cooked diet I could "survive" for periods of time eating around 800 calories only. Just writing this makes me feel so foolish.. but now, when I've adapted some of the fundamental principles of 80/10/10 I'm horrified about the fact that I eat tons - and sometimes I'm hungry even after that! According to my calculations I can go as far as 1,600 calories (something I consider to be too much for myself) and still not feel stuffed. Of course it's all healthy, good for me, nourishing food.. I just would like to be able to make my sick mind realize that.

I'm very displeaced of the image this post is giving about me.. I'm not by any means a shallow person, I really do believe that. My mind is just bombarding me with all these negative emotions and I feel like I'm lost and too afraid to go on. I don't think I could handle another ballooning experience like that in my past.
I currently weigh about 125lb which is a bit high for me and not the weight I'm most comfortable in. I'm 5'4 tall.

Please could someone just try to hammer into my head the reasonable fact that I WON'T gain weight eating more raw every day? I don't know if I eat very much, moderate amounts or what.. Here's what I ate today:

bf - 2 kiwi fruits, one medium pear
before lunch snack - one big banana and an apple
lunch - green smoothie made of: 2 bananas, 1 cup blueberries, ½ cup strawberries, 2 cups spinach and 2 cups kale and a handful of cashews
before dinner - 2 apples, 1 tangelo orange
dinner - big salad with assorted veggies, 250g carrots, different kinds of lettuce and a dressing made of 2 tblsp. Tahini and ½ cup fresh orange juice and some herbs

My fat intake was a bit high today.. I feel like I can't really handle the feeling of fullness quite well.

Any feedback? Comments? Experiences? Advise? I would apprecciate it all so much!