This actually isn't raw related at all, just related to the confusing mass that is sexuality and emotions.
Ok, so I've been wondering for a while whether I'm straight or lesbian or bisexual or whatever but I've figured that I shouldn't pressure myself to figure it out because I'll know when I need to know. Anyway, there's this one girl who I am such close friends with, even though amazingly we only met at the beginning of the semester. We just instantly became so close! We just get each other! And she's the kind of woman that everyone who meets her finds her attractive. She's not a flirt or anything, in fact she wears very sensible clothes and no makeup, but she just radiates confidence and happiness. I've never met anyone like her before. I just love being around her. And I know she loves being around me too. When I see her, or even think about her, I have to smile. But that's just the kind of person she is, you know? And I don't know whether it's just me feeling lonely and putting expectations on our friendship or whether I have an actual valid crush on her. And I just don't know what to think. She's the kind of person who is ALWAYS 100% honest (one of the things i love about her). So I know if she liked me too, she would tell me. I mean she considers herself straight, but admits that she could be a lesbian if the perfect girl came along. But the fact that she hasn't said anything about liking me says to me that we aren't supposed to be together. And she just started this relationship with this guy, and that's great for her.
The incident that started all this self-analyzing was when she recently came up to me and said "I want to tell you something" and I was like "what?" And she said "You know how sometimes love can be right under our nose?" and all of a sudden I thought that she was going to say that she liked me (up until that point, I never thought of her as anything but a friend), and then she started talking about a guy friend of hers who likes her and how she likes him and all that. And it was weird for me because I could feel my own disappointment and I was surprised that I would be disappointed at that. So I've been overthinking my feelings ever since and I haven't gotten anywhere. And the last thing I want to do is feel awkward around her. And we hung out today and I could feel myself sometimes feeling like physically awkward around her, like just a little bit. And I don't want her to pick up on that. So I just want things to get resolved! Urgh! Why do there have to so many unknowns when it comes to relationships??!!
Thanks for reading :)
Eden
Tags: confused, confusing, lesbian, questioning
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