I'm raw and he's not and I'm worried.

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Permalink Reply by VOID on July 30, 2008 at 4:13pm

When one person changes in a relationship, particularly a long-term relationship, and the other doesnt want to, the other partner may resent change initially or altogether. There is often an unconscious fear that you will grow too far apart, that you might grow past them, or might not feel like they are 'good enough' for you anymore. He most probably just feels worried and threatened thats all. If he see's you looking and feeling great, and he's not happy with how he looks/feels, it makes him have to look at himself, and if he doesnt want to do that, or is scared to do that, he might just find it easier to project the problem onto you to deflect his attention away from himself. He's not the problem, your changing is.

Change is inevitable, and healthy change is a great thing. You just need to find new things you can both enjoy doing together as a way to connect. Drinking, cooking and eating socially together is a way of connecting, or being intimate. He just needs to find a way to connect to you so that he can feel comfortable in the relationship again.

Change takes time to settle, things are alot different to how theve ever been, right now. Hes just a little unnerved right now. He'll get over it.

The good thing is, change happens like osmosis. By maintaining your ground and representing how much more positive your relationship with yourself is now, and you see your relationship can now be much more positive with each other, he will be unable to help himself..he will naturally change. The stronger force always wins.

Take Care

Adam x

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Permalink Reply by Jane Van Benthusen on July 31, 2008 at 1:07pm

Adam, Thanks so much! :) I agree this is a great change. Peace, Jane

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Permalink Reply by Jane Van Benthusen on July 31, 2008 at 1:10pm

Peanut, I have asked him and he is concerned that I'm getting to strict and too skinny. I'm not too strict with him only myself and I'm not too skinny. I'm not even back to the weight I was when he met me. LOL! But for most of the past 20 years I have been a bigger girl. I agree we must respect our partners choice. Thanks! Peace, Jane

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Permalink Reply by Tuesday on July 30, 2008 at 5:49pm

hmm sensitive subject! well although my relationship is a blip in time compared to yours (2 years next month) we've been best friends since the day we met. i've always been really honest with him about my goals in life and i always make sure he knows how i want to live my life and raise my children. he knows that if at some point our views differ to the point where we want to live different lives then we will go our separate ways. so if you're not going to stop the path you're on, and you're afraid that you two will grow apart, then picking priorities and making him aware of it might help. if you don't think he can keep up with your new (and superbly healthy) lifestyle then do you want a negative unhealthy person holding you back? i'm in no way telling you to leave your husband! just sharing my personal thoughts/issues with my own relationship! =)

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Permalink Reply by Jane Van Benthusen on July 31, 2008 at 1:11pm

Tuesday, That's what worries me. What if this is the issue after all these years that causes us to move away from each other. :( Thanks! Peace, Jane

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Permalink Reply by nycgrrl on July 30, 2008 at 7:42pm

I think Byron Katie's words (paraphrased) are useful here: "you mind your business, and let him mind his. Set an example. Be loving. "

I am in a similar situation, although my husband eats 50-60% raw and mostly veg. Also, try and find other ways to connect. Sexually? Movies? Favorite books? Travel?

Good luck and congrats on your long marriage. We are going on 8 this year!

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Permalink Reply by Jane Van Benthusen on July 31, 2008 at 1:12pm

Thanks NYCgrrl! That's exactly what I've been trying to do. Peace, Jane

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Permalink Reply by aishwarya on July 31, 2008 at 2:05pm

i know how painful this can get. i have the same problem.and i get worried too! i like to make enthusiastic raw meal for my boyfriend of six years. but i know we differ in many many ways. i dont think he can ever be vegetarian, forget raw vegan. but i do respect his wishes and preferences as he does mine. the good point is he is very supportive of my every effort and venture... though he is not all that healthy in his choices. when he is with me he makes better choices but not when away. though its still disappointing but it is somehow better that he makes some raw choices when with me.so its better than nothing actually.
though the food is not everything in a relationship but this is not food talk actually.its an entire belief system and a lifestyle. i guess we can never commit staying together for many of these reasons.... and so on,...
try to look at the things you agree on and do more of the things you enjoy together. this particularly helps. i try to make healthier meals for him when possible and sometimes he likes them. concentrating on the positive more also helps. but ya we have our differing moments too and these are gaps which are more spiritual and based on some core beliefs. compassion is also important. like you know some people, they would just not be happy doing something that does not come from within. i look at it that way even though i get worried. give out the facts, tell them what you know but gently.other than hiding, be open with your beleif but yes loving and open with them as well. maybe they will see something. even if not going raw, but they can make some small changes indeed while seeing your example.and thats for sure!just not expect them to change and then a change comes from the most unexpected way. it is strange my bf does not have coffee daily now and switched to green tea. better! yes, definitely and no, i didnt push anything. i have been drinking green tea a lot most of my vegan days. so there! something had to seep in! and such random things do happen to people around you, trust me!i have seen that happen around me, so there!my meat eating cosinz and sistas all share fruit based green juices when with me. they try to avoid sugar too now! so improvements coming from varied corners, you see! you will be amazed, trust me!
when we let go with freedom, love, faith and trust there are things taken care of. so i try to let go on the choices my loved ones make though sometimes they are very worrying.i am especially worried of my mom who is a hardcore non-veg. ah ah!

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Permalink Reply by Jane Van Benthusen on July 31, 2008 at 2:36pm

Aishwarya, I love this....when we let go with freedom, love, faith and trust there are things taken care of. Thanks so much! Peace, Jane

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Permalink Reply by Jane Van Benthusen on July 31, 2008 at 2:34pm

Thanks Pink Lady Apple! It's is weird and difficult to explain. It is comforting to know we aren't the only ones though. :) Peace, Jane

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